How to talk to someone about their drinking or drug use
If it’s become clear that someone you care about has issues with alcohol or drugs, it can be hard to know what to say or do.
This is a challenging situation. The most important thing is to look after yourself and get some support.
If you do decide to raise the subject with your friend or family member, these tips may help.
Think about what you’re going to say. Prepare yourself to be as calm and positive as possible.
Find the right moment
Aim to talk to your friend or family member when they aren’t intoxicated. Think about when this might be. Watch for ‘green light’ moments when they are engaged with you and seem open to talking.
Keep the conversation short
You aren’t going to sort everything out in one go. It’s more helpful to see this as the start of an ongoing conversation. Aim to have a short conversation today then pick it up another time.
Aim to keep your sentences short and your language simple too. This will make it easier for your loved one to understand and absorb what you’re saying.
For me and many others I know, those initial conversations with family and friends are what spurred us on to seek longer-lasting support.– Karen received support for her drinking at our Wigan service
Start your sentences with “I”
Starting your sentences with “I” helps you to say how you feel without making the other person feel defensive. Talk about how concerned you are – “I feel really worried about you”.
Avoid sentences that start with “you” – “You’re a mess”.
These are very early conversations. Allow your friend or family member plenty of time to think and to respond. Try to listen to what they say without judging.
Be ready for a negative reaction
People often become defensive when their drinking or drug use is challenged. This may look like aggression, but it’s more likely that your friend or family member feels threatened.
Back off if it gets heated
If things get heated, it’s best to back off. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Just say something like, “OK, that’s enough for today but please can we keep having these chats?”.
Think about writing a letter
Writing a letter is a good way to start a conversation. If communication has broken down between you and someone else, a letter can also be a good way to open up the conversation again.
Suggest they get some support
Make sure you know what support is available for your friend or family member and have the details handy when you talk to them.
- Use our service finder to find their local With You service
- Talk to us online
- Read our online advice
- See some other places they can find support, community and advice online
Get support for yourself
You’re in a challenging situation and it’s important to put your own wellbeing first.
You don’t need to do this alone – there's plenty of support available for you too.
- Get support from your local With You service
- Chat to our team online
- Read our advice for friends and family
Try to stay hopeful
Plenty of people manage to cut down or stop drinking or using drugs, so it is possible to turn things around.
Even if your loved one has cut down or stopped before and relapsed, it shows that change is possible.
See more advice on how to have better conversations.
More support for friends and family
- Adfam – information to help you cope with your loved one's drug or alcohol use.
- Drugfam – online one-to-one and group meetings for families affected by someone else’s drug use. Phone their free helpline on 0300 888 3853.
- Scottish families affected by drugs and alcohol – support by phone, email or webchat. Phone their free helpline on 08080 10 10 11.
- The 20 minute guide – practical tips for parents and partners of people who drink or use drugs.